Confessions of a Multiple Sneezer

The List - Part 2

2009-09-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Well it is time to finish off our top 5 sports announcers that need to be euthanized. Actual my dad had a great idea - bring in a hungarian assassin to take care of them. Well that may be a little extreme, but extremely bad announcers require extreme measures.

Before I begin, lets recap #'s 10-6, and offer up some honorable mentions.

10 - Jim Grey
9 - Kelly Tilghman
8 - John Madden
7 - Lou Holtz
6 - Bob Davie

Honorable mentions - These are announcers who didn't quite make my top 10, but are very close.
1 - Marv Albert. That deep voice AND dresses up in women's clothes?
2 - Jim Lampley. Great in boxing but awful in everything else.
3 - Matt Millen. Does running the Lions qualify you as an expert?
4 - Tony Kornheiser. Off the top 10 since leaving MNF.
5 - Bryant Gumball. High pitched whiner puts me to sleep.

And now...the moment you have all been waiting for.

THE TOP 5

5. Pierre Mcguire

How this twit is considered on the A team for hockey is beyond me. He often stands in the glass partition between the benches and I am always rooting for a slapshot to find his shiny bald noggin. He thinks he knows hockey, but all he is really good for is telling you what the attitudes are like on the benches.

4. Bill Walton

I try to give him a little credit, but when that deep, nasally, monotone voice shouts "That's just super scintillating sensational," I can't help but cringe. Sure he tries to be exciting, and he was a great player, and yes he knows basketball, but I just cant stand listening to him.

3. Chris Berman
When Boomer first started doing sportcenter, he had some novelty. The nicknames and the "WHUUUP", and the "HE...COULD...GO...ALL...THE...WAY". But now as a play by play guy for football, baseball - and not to mention as a football round table host, he is just horrid. He stumbles and mumbles, he stammers and yammers. It's painful. You can always tell when he isn't sure what to say or is trying to fill time, because he just mumbles for a few seconds until he decides what is going to come out of his mouth. Basically I cant watch the football wrap up shows or the pregame because he drive me insane.

2. Bob Costas

The final two were a toss up, and Costas may be #1 on many lists, but for mine he holds at #2. This clown is the pure definition of a "tool". He is a freakin know-it-all. Did anyone watch the opening ceremonies at either of the last two olympic games? He had to tell you EVERYTHING that was going on, and what it meant. It's like he was reading it straight out of history book. He is NBC's top guy, but to me he looks like Pat Sajak. He needs to be a gameshow host or something, not a sportscaster. I can see it now. "So you pick suitcase #5. And if you didn't know, that suitcase is true ivory from the african nation of Zaire, a country of local tribes and vast savannahs..."

DRUM ROLL PLEASE........

#1. Larry Merchant

As senile as they come. no clip I show you can do Larry justice. Watch how he babbles and rambles for 2 whole minutes what should take about 25 seconds. And this is actually one of his more rational soliloques. Larry would be great if he wasn't being serious. Unfortunately, he is. And I actually enjoy watching his boxing "wrap-ups" for entertainment value. Usually they are inane and make absolutely no sense to anyone but Larry himself. I honestly think Larry was already euthanized long ago, it's just that no one told him.

So that is the top 10. Feel free to bash away and tell me who should or shouldn't be on there.

Be well.

"THE LIST" Part 1

2009-09-08T03:44:00.000-07:00

I was watching the FSU-Miami game the other night, and watching ESPN Commentator Brad Nesslor INSIST that an FSU missed PAT was the difference in a 4pt game got me thinking again about my so-called "LIST", and I decided it was time to open that list up to a debate. Nesslor didn't make my list, although he may have moved a couple of notches closer by failing to realize that FSU had a successful 2pt conversion later in the game that made the missed PAT obsolete.

"The List" is my compilation of sports announcers that need to be euthanized.

Put together with the help of my father, we basically debate on what sportscasters have either gone senile, or just say the most idiotic things on a consistent basis. It is a revolving list, and it honestly could have about 200 personalities on it. Here, in this two part blog, i am just going to review my top 10. I'd be interested to hear your take on my selections.

I must preface this by saying there are some people that will not be on the list, though many people may want them there. People like Lee Corso and Dick Vitale. I love these two guys. They bring an exuberance and passion to their respective sports, and they DO NOT say stupid things. Broadcatsers like Harry Carey, who had to interupt his stories to tell you what just happened in the Cubs game. But that was part of what made him Harry Carey, and why he was revered.

No, this is my list and I expect disagreements, welcome them in fact. So feel free to bash and hate all you want.

10. Jim Grey
How does one fully express the dreadful nature of a Jim Grey interview. I guess the best way is to show you one.

Jim asks people the most idiotic and obvious questions, and constantly gets beat up by his subjects. They tease and torment him, they take control of the interview, and Jim almost always comes away looking like a momo. For this reason, I place him at number 10 on my list.

9. Kelly Tighlman
I see a pretty blonde woman on the golf channel. I see her sparkling green eyes and her quizzical smile. And then she speaks. HOLY SMOKES. Sounds like a steroid laden teenage boy. But its not just her voice. A few weeks ago, during Tiger's first round of the PGA, he was -2 thru 6 holes, and in second place. Kelly then laid out the scenario. "So Tiger wins this, then the master and British where he is overdue. He will be a clear favorite at the US Open, so he comes into next years PGA with a chance to break Jack's major record." GIMME A BREAK. The guy is in his fist round and you already have him winning the next 5 majors? We all know the scenario, there is no need to voice it. At least Nick Faldo shut her up by saying "Well lets let him get through the first round of this major."

8. John Madden
Okay - this may be an unpopular pick, but the man lost his mind years ago. He is Mr. Obvious (Credit to Scott Cummins for that one). I actually listened to him doing an Eagles game a few years ago. There were only about 20 seconds left and the eagles were down by 8, out of time outs. They had the ball at the opponents 4 yard line. John actually told his audience what the Eagles COULD do if they scored. "Well should they score a TD, the COULD go for 2, which would tie the game. On the other hand, they could kick the PAT, but then they would have to try an onside kick." That comment right there catapulted John onto my list.

7. Lou Holtz
The man was a phenominal coach. But I have never heard an announcer more Biased than Dr. Lou. The man has picked Notre Dame to win the national championship every year for the last 6 years now. It's getting rediculous. One year, he predicted 10 wins, and I think they had 2. I will say this though, Holtz is more foible for Mark May than anything on the college gameday. The old man should just do Notre Dame games for NBC so that we are not subjected to his completely biased slant.

6. Bob Davie
Another college football analyst and former Notre Dame coach, he is not biased like Dr. Lou, but I just can't stand listening to him talk. The emphasis he puts on certain syllables sounds like they are being shot out of a cannon. There is no doubt when listening to him that he is the stereotype of a football COACH, and thats where he should be, even if its coaching a pop warner team. Just so I don't have to hear his analysis.

So thats nos. 10-6 of my Sportscaster Euthanization list. Next week I will list my top 5, and maybe throw in some honorable mentions. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Be well!

A fall back job for Michael Vick...

2009-08-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, Okay - I know this is in very poor taste, but then again, so is the decision not only to let Michael Vick play football again, but to let him out of prison.

The other night my friend Nisha and I were discussing the disgusting acts that landed Vick in jail, and neither of us can believe that he was reinstated by the NFL. Admittedly, we are both animal lovers, but in my mind his crimes are nothing short of cold blooded murder. I mean, the come on! Pete Rose is banned for life from MLB and the Hall of Fame for gambling, and Michael Vick tortures and murders living creatures, and he is welcomed back with open arms, and given a multi-million dollar contract to boot. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!

Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy (pictured below) are two of the most notorious serial killers in American History. Dahmer murdered and tortured 17 people, and was given 15 consecutive life sentences for his crimes. He himself was murdered in prison in 1994. Gacy was convicted of killing 33 people, and was put to death for his crimes. Michael Vick tortured and murdered somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 living, breathing creatures. Just because they were not human should not matter. I consider him a serial killer that should be mentioned in the same breath with the two infamous killers.

I will refrain from adding any pictures of some of the surviving Vick dogs, but what they endured is vile and unspeakable.

In my humble opinion, the NFL ought to be ashamed of itself for allowing this man back in to the league. In fact, our legal system ought to be ashamed of itself for letting him out of prison. What kind of world do we live in? I don't blame the Philadelphia Eagles for signing him, although if I was an NFL owner, I don't care how talented he is, he wouldn't play for me.

Obviously this all just my opinion. I've heard a lot of people say "He's done his time" and what not. According to our legal system, yes he has. But I believe that two years in Prison is fine for someone who steals a car or holds up a convenient store, but for murder? Just because the victims were not human does not make it less than that.

Be well.

Saving our planet....HOGWASH!

2009-07-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

So I just finished reading a new book by James Rollins, my favorite author, called "The Doomsday Key." For those of you who have not read Rollins, he is a fantastic author with an incredibly inventive mind, and a helluva nice guy.

A little background here. I found James' on a whim about 7 years ago in a grocery store aisle, simply because I was intrigued by the cover of a book. He was relatively unknown then, but I was so blown away by that book, I went and bought everything he had written. I wound up emailing him a few days later just to tell him how much I enjoyed his novels. He responded within a half hour, and we began a limited correspondence. I wound up having lunch with him at a writers conference, and he has helped me immensely in my writing, which I am sad to say, I just haven't had much time to pursue lately. But I will get back on that horse soon enough, I hope.

Anyways, since that time, he has written about 7 more novels, and is now a fixture on the NY Times Bestseller list for fiction. "The Doomsday Key" is currently at number 7. His books are quite an intriguing mix of government conspiracy, Shadowy forces, technology, archeology, ancient mysteries, and even cryptozoology. But his latest book really got me thinking again about some of my radical beliefs on the earth, and the so called "green movement," which I think is a load of crap.

"The Doomsday Key" focuses a lot on the over-population of the Earth, a problem that really takes a back seat to the issues of global warming and green house gas emissions, but it is one that I believe will be much more devastating to our environment.

We think of the world as having unlimited space and unlimited resources, even though we know it doesn't. Our population is close to the 7 billion mark. 25 years ago, it was under 5 billion. The growth rate is alarming. The world is a finite place. Space is limited. Most experts agree that once we reach 10 billion, we will exceed the Earth's habitability, which will cause wars, famine and death on an unimaginable scale. There are radical theories on what we can do, ranging from birth licenses to tax relief to people for NOT having kids, but its a subject that is really swept under the table, simply because the bible tells people to "multiply". And with technology still improving like crazy, we may even see the population growth increase. Medical technology is allowing people to live longer, while birth rates remain constant. I do believe by the end of the next decade, we are going to have real problems with the resources available to us.

But that is not the real reason for this blog. The main focus is on the so called "Green Movement." Hippies running around on Earth day, yelling "Save Our Planet!" Al Gore winning Nobel Prizes for his rants on Global Warming.

This pisses me off, because it's BS. Let's say what we really mean people. This planet will be here long after we are. We are not destroying the planet, we are destroying ourselves. And if you REALLY want to save the planet, that's the best thing for it. Humans are a virus to the Earth, and just like our own T-cells, the Earth will fight the virus and will eventually win. It's inevitable. Global warming, natural disasters...they are Earth's way of trying to shake the viral infection of humanity.

So the slogan "Save Our Planet" is not what we actually mean. "Save Humanity" is the truth behind the slogan, but it sounds shallow and self-centered to shout that. And of course, it makes us feel good to do things that we believe are helping our natural environment. Recycling, driving hybrids, buying carbon credits (the most ridiculous thing of all, IMO), all of these actions make us feel like we are doing good things for our ecosystem and the planet.

But don't be fooled. The way to save Earth is simple. We need to disappear.

Be well!

Lessons learned the hard way

2009-07-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

Cluster headaches are so friggin hard to deal with. When I am not getting them, I don't even think about them. But when the cycle hits, all I do is try to figure out new ways to get rid of them. So what haven't I tried?

Short of sticking a steak knife behind my left eye, there isn't much; Medicines, exercise, cutting out foods...you name it, I have tried it.

But it dawned on me during this latest attack that there is something I have not tried - A BODY FLUSH.

Aren't herbalists and holistics always saying that the buildup of toxins in your body can cause all sorts of maladies? So I figured "What the hell? Can't hurt, right?"

WRONG

I went and purchased myself some Super Colon Cleanse. It's the "gentle" cleanser. Before purchasing, I read the directions, read all the warnings, and it looked pretty good. I came home, took my first dose that night, and a second in the morning.

It was shortly thereafter I discovered the hard way that there are some serious warnings missing from the label, and for the benefit of all consumers, I will point them out now.

#1: DO NOT use product if you are in the middle of a cluster headache cycle.

#2. DO NOT drink an entire pot of coffee after a dose.

Since these were missing from the warning label, I felt all systems were go for some "gentle" cleansing, and found myself in a mixed state of discomfort and agony, the likes of which I haven't known since the last Nicholas Cage movie.

There I was at about noon, diligently working on my computer, sipping my second cup of coffee, when the stomach pains first struck. "Oh Boy" I said, knowing that the cleanse was hard at work. It's painful, but it usually doesn't last too long. Of course, I left my work for a while and camped out in the "other" office.

(Jeopardy theme plays over this part)

I left the bathroom, but my stomach was still doing flips. I needed a rest so I decided to lie down on the couch for a few minutes. Well, due to the fact that the cluster headaches had kept me up all night, I suddenly started having trouble keeping my eyes open, and I dozed off for about 15 minutes. Of course, you know what happens next, I wake up on the verge of another raging headache.

Now, if you read my last blog, you will know that the only way I have been successful at knocking these headaches out before they get to the screaming stage is with rigorous exercise. Not always, but enough to make it worthwhile to try. However, trying to do rigorous exercise with my stomach in the condition it was in was going to create an entirely different kind of problem. I guess you could say I was caught between a rock and...well, you know. I realized quickly there was no way I could get on my ellipticle and try to pedal to pain-free paradise, for I probably would have made a detour at soiled-pants point. Needless to say, the headache hit me full force within a couple of minutes.

So there I am, hunched over in agony, face contorted, left eye shut and tearing, quickly pacing around my house trying to escape the head pain, while on the other hand, trying desperately not to let my stomach woes catch up to me. Incapable of making a decision in the state I was in, I quickly knew the head pain would take precedent over any other dilemma, and thus, I was completely vulnerable to an attack from the rear.

Well you may have already guessed that I made it through this nightmare unscathed, otherwise I probably wouldn't be telling anyone about it. But I did learn a very valuable lesson, and isn't it our goal to try to learn something new every day?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. (Of course, not till it was all over, but I did.)

Be well.

What a cluster f**k

2009-07-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

It's been 16 years now of pure madness. 16 years of pure pain.

Well not 16 years straight, but on and off for the last 16 years I have had to deal with cluster headaches. (click for a great website dealing with clusters.) For those who may have experienced them, you know my agony. This is more for those who don't.

I have just gotten over the latest attack (not cycle, just single attack). I am sure that more will follow tonight when I try to go to sleep.

Clusters are not migraines. Most migraine medicine does not work for cluster sufferers (I have tried almost everything). I have never had a migraine, so I cannot compare the pain, but if they cause even a quarter of the pain that these do, then I sympathize whole-heartedly.

Imagine, if you will, a grown man, fearless, tough, etc., cursing at the top of his lungs, not able to lie down, but not able to stand up. Left eye shut, tearing. There is no escape from the pain. It's unbearable. I pray for one of two things. Either make this headache go away, or give me an instant and massive aneurysm. Just end the pain somehow. All this hits within five minutes, and lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours. I rock back and forth, I pace, I try to lay down, I get up, I swear, I pace again. Finally I feel the pressure ease and within minutes, it is gone. The madness is over, right? WRONG! If I fall back asleep, it will most likely return within a couple of hours. Up to 4 times a night. It's unbelievable. People years ago referred to them as "suicide headaches", I am sure you can guess why.

The closest I can come to describing the pain is like the apex of brainfreeze (you know, after drinking an ice cold drink to fast), and having that brainfreeze stay at that level for two hours. My body starts to quake, sometimes my head feels like its trapped in a gear mechanism, grinding back and forth.

When the headache goes away, the muscles in my head, neck, and face are still sore, as if they have been contorted and stretched like crazy.

When I am not in a cycle, the headaches are out of sight, out of mind. I don't even think about them. When I am in cycle, well I function normally, but my mind is always on when the next demon will strike.

I am not writing this so that anyone feels sorry for me. I needed to blog about something and this was on my mind (literally and figuratively). The main reason I wanted to write this is because whenever I tell someone who doesn't understand these headaches about them, I get all of the usual suggestions over and over. "Take some Aleve," "Go lie in a dark room," and so on. It's not that I don't appreciate the suggestions, but I've tried everything, and nothing works. The only way to get through these is to just tough it out. So for those who I tell, just try to understand that I am not asking for help. I simply need to share the pain. Need someone to know that I am in agony. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say that will help. I just thank you in advance for understanding, and trying to help.

Be well...and pray you never get these.

Over-medicated America

2009-06-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here watching all the news on Michael Jackson's life and death, saddened by the news as is much of the rest of the country, but like millions of other deaths in this country, it was preventable.

Admittedly I am not a huge Michael Jackson fan, at least not since 1984, but where would music be without him. Like "Frampton Comes Alive" in the 1970's, EVERYBODY owned the Thriller album. I remember being in 7th grade, and if you had missed the world premier of the "Beat It," or "Thriller" videos, you were an outcast the next day in the school halls. It is all anyone could talk about. Michael Jackson revolutionized music, dancing, and MTV (who at the time actually played music ALL THE TIME.) Would there be a Britney Spears without him? I think not.

I am sure that when we get back cause of death reports, we will learn that cocktails of prescription meds are to blame for Jackson's death, and many people are already reporting to that effect. And that brings me to my entire rant here - my utter disgust with the healthcare industry as a whole, and in particular, the pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies.

Do you remember the days when every class had an obnoxious kid? That's just the way it was. Now we find out the kid had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder.) And of course for years we couldn't sleep because we were restless. Now we find out we just have RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome.) They are creating new diseases every day, and it's rediculous. PMDD, PAD...folks, it's all S.H.I.T!

THESE ARE NOT DISEASES PEOPLE...but there is a reason they are classified as diseases, and I will get to that shortly.

Cancer is a disease. AIDS is a disease. There are millions of people living with real diseases, but the over-classification of diseases has muddled the disease pool. Now EVERYONE has a disease. I have ISS, (I Suck Syndrome, better known as deppression.)

I actually find it funny that every time I watch TV, I am inundated with ads for prescription medications treating everything under the sun; Restasis to make more tears, Avodart to shrink the prostate, meds to urinate more, meds to urinate less, and lets not even get into ED; and they are followed by law office ads about deaths and injuries resulting from the use of THESE SAME MEDICATIONS. I found a list of all the harmful medications on a law office website, and it is staggering. Some of these medications CONTINUE to advertise. I saw an ad for Celebrex, which has caused a number of deaths, in which they actually say in the ad that the benefits may outweigh the risks. Are you kidding me?

The real irony, is that people die from the treatment of diseases THAT ARE NOT FATAL to begin with. And the pharmaceutical companies are making billions and billions of dollars from these people.

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like over the past 10 years we are seeing more and more cases of cancer, diabetes and other deadly diseases, as well as sudden cardiac arrests, strokes, and brain aneurysms in remarkably young people. It seems every week, I hear of a 39 year old dropping dead from one of these. Makes my self-diagnosed heart attack at the age of 4 seem not only plausible, but probable. I guess my dad would have to take me seriously now. And here I thought the medical community was receiving billions of dollars for research and making significant progress in fighting these ailments. I have no doubt that the influx of all of these new quasi-diseases and the overabundance of prescription medications are to blame.

Here is the real kicker, what I alluded to before, and why these companies rake in the money that they do. The FDA was able to get a law passed many years ago, that states "ONLY PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION APPROVED BY THE FDA CAN TREAT AND CURE A DISEASE." That is the reason if you look at the label for an herbal remedy it MUST say "this product has not been evaluated by the FDA, and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."What that basically means, is that for every condition that is legally given the label "disease", ONLY an FDA approved medicine created by a pharmaceutical company can claim to prevent or cure that disease. The more diseases there are, the more medications are prescribed (unnecessarily in my opinion), and the more money the healthcare industry rakes in.

And as far as I am concerned, these prescriptions are killing people, all in the name of the almighty profit.

People like Bernie Madoff and Alan Stanford are dispicable, but they are not killing people. The healthcare industry is killing people to make more money than you or I can imagine, and they are doing it legally and with the government's blessing. Utterly disgusting.

"Land of the free and home of the brave"? More like "Land of the drug-addicted and home of the dead."

Be well.

Bettman's Sad Day at JLA

2009-06-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

The cameras panned over the crowd at Joe Louis Arena. Most seemed to be having the time of their lives. But then it focused in on one somber looking individual. Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the NHL, looked as though someone had peed in his beer. Or maybe he had just gotten a call that his favorite pet goldfish had flopped out of it's bowl. CHEER UP GARY! You are one of the lucky ones who get to attend a stanley cup finals game.

Oh wait. I know why you're upset. It's the third period, and your golden boy, Pittsburg Penguin Sidney Crosby, is on the losing end of a 5-0 blowout at the hands of the Detroit Redwings.

Now it makes sense.

Sid the Kid is the face of the NHL. He is it's savior after the lockout of 2005. And NOT winning the Stanley Cup two years in a row would be a travesty! Especially if it's to the same hated Detroit Redwings both times.

The wings take a 3-2 series lead into Pittsburg tonight with a chance to clinch the cup, and I am sure Mr. Bettman has spent all of last night on his knees, praying to whatever deity he believes in, to let Sid come out on top.

THE NEW FACE OF THE NHL.

Sid the Kid has been known as a whiner. Wasn't that sloth from the Ice Age movies somewhat of a whiner as well? Didn't he always complain about everything? And his name was Sid too.

Well Sid is starting to develop a new reputation; that of a hacker. His slash/chop to Hank Zetterberg's knee in the 3rd period last Saturday was about as cheap as they come. And unbelievably, he got a penalty!

And this is the savior of hockey?

You may remember his love tap to Kirk Maltby's skate after the loss in game 1; a two-handed chop to the top of the foot.

The NHL needs a new face.

I am not one to complain about the officials or the job they do, but some of these calls, and non-calls, seem extremely suspect. Sure, if you look at the box scores, you would see that Pitt has taken more penalties over the series, but that is mainly due to them losing their composure in Game 5.

In all the other games, it was the timing of the penalties that I call into question. For example, in game 3 the refs were barely calling anything. Great! Let em' play! But then, in the third period with the game tied 2-2, they called Jonathon Ericsson for interference. The play was almost identical to numerous plays that had not been called on Pittsburg. The Penguins wound up scoring on the power play on route to a 4-2 victory. Now, I am not saying the Wings would have won that game, but to make that call at that time after letting it go so many others, well it's just downright suspect.

The Wings just seem to play through every piece of adversity thats thrown at them with dignity, and they just keep winning. Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Lidstrom, Cleary, Osgood; they don't cry like us fans, or like Sid the Sloth-Kid. They just play hard and win.

This series is not over by any stretch, but I want nothing more than to see that team hoist another Stanley Cup tonight, or Friday night if necessary.

Sorry Mr. Bettman. But look on the bright side. Next year the wings will be a little older, more tired, and Sidney will have another year of experience.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

ROBIN WHO???

2009-06-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for four years to read the headline, "Federer finally takes Nadal on clay to claim his first French Open," or even, "Superstar Serb Djokavic ends Nadal's Reign in Paris."

Never in a million years did I think that when Nadal's first loss came on the red clay at Roland Garros (previously unbeaten at 31-0) that it would be to a man named Robin.

When I think of the name Robin, I conjur images of a young Michael Jackson singing the tweet tweet song. I think of a less-than-manly Errol Flynn swooshing into screen in green tights. But what I certainly can't picture, is a man dethroning probably the greatest clay court tennis player in the history of tennis.

Robin Soderling played what had to have been the match of his life. He dictated pace, he hit winners, he forced errors, and he even made the resiliant Nadal fall down time and again. Do I think the champ is dead? Of course not, the 6-time major winner, 4-time defending French Open Champ, and #1 ranked player will be 23 in a few days, far from over-the-hill. He will be back in full force, just not in the 2009 Open.

I have always loved watching grand slam tennis. I don't really play, nor do I watch other tournaments, but there is just something about the slams that I love.

I am, admittedly, a Federer fan. Have always loved the guy. I do love Nadal as well, but I am rooting hard for Fed to eclipse Pete and win a career slam. Even if he doesn't I will make the case that he is the best player to ever play. The arguments are all there against him, he can't win the French, he can't beat Nadal, etc, etc.

I could point out 13 majors, 5 wimbledon's ina row, or all kinds of other stats, but there is one stat that to me, may be the most amazing achievement in individual sports history.

Roger Federer has made 19 Grand Slam Semi-finals in a row...

...and he is still going. If he can get by Gael Monfils in a day, it will be 20. That is 5 years, 4 majors a year, making at least the semi's in all of them. (Let's not forget his streak of finals was at 10 when he lost in the semis of the 08 aussie open after a bout with mono, and has made the final of every one since.)

In my opinion, this is the most unbelievable accomplishment in individual sports, or in any sports for that matter. The only accomplishment I can even think that comes close is the Detrit Lions 0-16 season (soon to be 0-32).

Had it not been for Nadal (the only man to beat Fed in 4 years at the French), Roger would probably have close to 20 slams right now, would have undoubtedly won the Grand Slam (all 4 majors in a single year), and there would be no argument as to his spot in the annuls of tennis.

I will be rooting hard for Fed tomorrow night. I won't say anyone "deserves to win" because they have to win on the court, and he still has a tough draw to claim a title, but whether he wins or not, it is the belief of this nobody that he does deserve the title of best to ever play the game.

Be well!

The Mob and the Assassin!

2008-08-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

Okay--so I know it has been a while since I have had anything to say, and I do apologize. Life has been a little hectic.

Most who know me, know that I am a conspiracy nut--I love a good tale of government corruption. Not that I believe every theory laid out about JFK, RFK, Roswell, etc., but I am extremely fascinated by those events, as well as many others of historical significance.

Don Denton, a former covert government assassin, will be back at our store on October 25th. If you haven't met Don, it is easy to be skeptical about his stories and alleged experiences. But meet and talk to him, and it becomes much harder to write him off. He comes off as sincere and knowledgable, and if nothing else, is interesting as hell to talk to. To me, his stories, while maybe not written as clear and concise as he would have liked, are just too detailed to ignore. I investigated some of the "incidents" he discusses, and places, dates, etc. seem to match up. While that is not definitive "proof," it is nonetheless compelling. Read Don's books, and talk to the man, and you will see that while some of the claims are fantastical, he just doesn't come off as someone who is making everything up. I will say this--if he is fabricating, his attention to detail in his story telling is remarkable!

Now--In that same bane, I have always been fascinated by Mob history. And of course, on October 29th, THE Henry Hill will be here. You may know the name - Ray Liotta played him in the Martin Scorcese's movie "Goodfella's". This should be fascinating. I have never (knowingly) spent time talking to someone who was actually in the mob. Having the opportunity to meet someone who actually lived that life, was associated with numerous famous underworld figures, will be really cool.

Be well!

What a difference a tan makes!!

2008-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am currently working on a website for a friend that owns a sunless tanning company (coming very soon) and decided to help her by posing for a couple before and after photos. My was I shocked to see the difference. (See my photos below.) I have never been one to worry about getting and keeping a tan. Being from Michigan, we tan in summer and whiten in winter--that's just the way it is. Now that I am older, I rarely get tan. (Although while I was working in the golf business, a farmers tan was usually the norm.)

But when she sprayed that stuff on, and I looked in the mirror, I could not believe the difference. I looked like a mythological God; a greek warrior like Achilles or Adonis. I don't think I will ever spend a day without a tan again. I plan on scheduling appointments at least every five days to keep this beautiful glow all the time. Best of all, it is completely safe and free from toxins. No skin cancer worries, no sitting in the hot sun for 3 days to get tan. This is the best thing I have ever found. I will post a link to the website as soon as it is up, but I can highly recommend sunless tanning to all who want to change their lives.

Be well.

Before

After

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

STANLEY TIME!!

2008-06-05T17:02:00.001-07:00

Well i couldn't be happier this morning. The Wings proved once again that they can win no matter what the NHL does to prevent it.

Last night they finished off the Penguins in Pittsburg to win their 11th Stanley Cup overall, and their 4th in 11 years.

What makes it so great is that this is a team that was scouted and put together by Jim Nill and Ken Holland, finding players late in drafts that no one knows about. Detroit's top line consists of Pavel Datsyuk (Drafted 176th overall in 99), Tomas Holmstrom (Drafted 256th), and Henrik Zetterberg (Drafted 221st) who incidentally won the Conn Smythe trophy as the MVP of the NHL Playoffs. Even Nick Lidstrom, arguably the greatest defenseman in the history of the NHL, was picked 51st overall in 1990. They were matched against the Penguins who feature Sidney Crosby (1st pick), Marc Andre Fluery (1st pick), and Yvgeny Malkin (2nd pick).

To put it in perspective, you have to consider that most other sports have 6-10 rounds, and anyone that is picked after about round 4 has a very slim chance of not only having a career, but even making the teams. But the Wings have always seemed ahead of the times, being the first to scout in Eastern Europe, Sweden, Finland, etc.

All I know is that I love this team, I love Mike Babcock (coach), and I want another Stanley Cup next year! Oh, and since I vowed to get a Wing Wheel tattoo if they won, if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

Be well.

Hey Hey Hockeytown

2008-05-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

Finally...

The Stanley cup finals have come to hockeytown where they belong!

Pittsburg and Detroit offer an interesting series, one that I expect will be close; either 6 or 7 games.

Will the youth of the Penguins outskate the veteran Wings, or will the Euro-twins outduel Crosby, Malkin, Fleury and the rest of the Black & Yellows?

Well it is probably pretty obvious who my team is.

GO WINGS!!!!

The hell I go through

2008-04-11T17:26:00.001-07:00

Many have asked me over the last few months, "What's it like to work for Pam?"

For those who don't know, Pam Mains is the owner of Cheesecake and Crime, a mystery bookstore and cheesecake joint in Henderson, Nevada, and my current employer.

Well she is a fun-loving gal who enjoys practical jokes. She has gotten me several times, including calling a funeral home on April Fool's Day and asking for Myra Mains. (Luckily it only worked because her last name is mains!) She genuinely cares about her staff and all the people around her.

But there is a darker side. A vengeful and ominous side which can be seen in the photo below.

While we all have bad days and good days, my bad days have been really really bad, as you can see above. So now I can truthfully say, "I'm so freakin' busy, I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off!" I really mean it.

NHL Playoffs have started, my time is here!

Go Wings!

Trader Me's

2008-04-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

I had my first Trader Joe experience yesterday, and I must say I was rather shocked.

I hate cooking, and I was always under the impression that Trader Joe's offered health food ingredients, or something like that. No one ever told me that they had pre-cooked, packaged meals, perfect for a simpleton such as myself. And it's probably healthier than the mac and cheese, french bread pizza I usually ingest. I never knew there was such an array of ethnic foods and packaged meals that were so easy to make. I am all about "throw it in the oven for 10 minutes then eat it." I guess it comes down to my impulsive eating habit. I eat when I get hungry. I don't plan for when I will be hungry. If I get hungry, I don't want to start combining ingredients to make a wholesome meal. I want to eat right friggin now! But now that I have discovered Trader Joe's, I may just be able to eat healthier and better, without sacrificing my desire for quick and painless dishes.

Being April, I guess I should mention that once again, the Detroit Redwings appear to have locked up the #1 overall seed for the NHL playoffs, which always scares me. At this point, with only three games left, they still could face any one of six teams in the first round. And all six teams make me nervous for one reason or another.

Will this be another disappointing playoff year? Or will they step it up and play to their potential in the playoffs. I pray the latter, but prepare for the former. Man would I love a nice two-month playoff run, not just so I can selfishly continue to watch my beloved team, or to cry with joy when they hoist the Stanley Cup, but once hockey is done, what in the hell am I going to watch?? Baseball? Yeah right!

Be well.

Dieticians and CHEESECAKE!!!

2008-03-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yes it's true!

Tuesday was national dietician's day, and we hosted a cheesecake party for approximately twenty dieticians. That tells me either they aren't very dedicated to their profession, or our cheesecake is made with healthy ingredients.

I'll vote for the latter. Although we can't find a fat-free recipe that is any good for cheesecake, it is still a relatively healthy recipe, and lets face it, even dietician's are allowed to cheat sometimes! We are even in the process of negotiating a deal to have our cheesecake sold by a national health food distributor. So I guess one would have to conclude that our cheesecake is healthy.

We are also in the process of setting up a writer's panel of some sort. We will have a few local authors talking about the publishing industry, so local authors, get your notebooks ready--this will be a free event where you can meet published authors and learn a lot about the business of writing. Topics will range from traditional publishing vs. self publishing, marketing, agent submissions, writing tips and more.

So back to the topic of health, I just spent $600 I don't have on an inexpensive eliptical machine, something I will probably use twice before it becomes just another decorative house piece along with my ab lounge--but I guess the fitness thought is better than doing nothing at all. I figure if it is in the house I will be more inclined to use it than if it isn't. If nothing more, the cats can have a new climbing toy.

Be well.

Let the past, stay the past

2008-03-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

With my 20 year high school reunion just around the corner, it is no wonder that I am getting blasted with emails from former classmates asking me if this is really me, and if I am attending the reunion.

I answer with a resounding "HELL NO!"

First off, I hated high school to begin with, and now that one of my few close friends from those days has passed away, there is no one I have a strong desire to see. I have kept in touch with maybe three of friends from high school, and the rest - I don't know them, and don't really need to.

Second, what are high school reunions for? Well in my mind, they are for the jocks to relive the glory days, now that they have lost all of their hair and are working at Taco Bell. They are for the once "unpopular" people to show up in their rented Mercedes 350SLK's to try to show all of the "popular" girls what they supposedly missed out on. They are for all of the former beauty queens to show everyone pictures of their brilliant kids, and talk about why they divorced their first alcoholic husbands. Reunions are rediculous. Of course, even though a woman is married with a loving family, has a great job and everything going for her in the present, she will diet and tan, get her hair done, and try to impress a collection of people she hasn't seen or heard from in 20 years. What's the point?

Although I do miss my fallen friend, and the other close friends I grew up with, I do not miss high school, and I have nothing to prove to those people, and no desire to try to impress them. Nor do I have a desire to see most of them.

I remember hearing people saying things like, "I can't wait to show up at my reunion with my Porsche, two blondes on each arm, throwing cash at everyone I see...Blah Blah Blah" Just plain old insecurity.

While I am definitely not going myself, I don't want to give the impression that I think less of people who do attend reunions. Many people just go to see old friends, reminisce about simpler times, and for one night, go back in time. I am just not one of those people. Maybe it is my anti-social nature or just my cynicism, but I say let the past stay in the past!

Be Well.

When life gives you lemons...

2008-02-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

...don't choke on them.

If you missed my exciting blog talk radio show this morning, don't feel bad. We only gave away $6,000,000 in cash and a few Hawaiian getaways!

Thank you so much to author Denny Griffin for having me on his show. If you did miss it, you can listen to it by clicking here.

It was definitely fun to do, though sometimes it can still be difficult to be open about my life struggles, as it can be for many of us. It's not that I am ashamed about some of my experiences, but advertising them is another story. Last time I walked up to a girl and used the line, "I was homeless, can I buy you a drink?" It didn't go over so well. Have you ever seen a girl laugh so hard that she snorted an entire pitcher of beer up her nose in 3 seconds flat?

I spent some time here the other day with an author who has come up with a completely novel concept (no pun intended). Steve Grogan's book "Vegas Die" is set to come out next week. I am excited that we are having an author signing with him on Saturday, March 15. While the premise of the book itself is intriguing (Old time Vegas mobsters die, Mayor #1 suspect!), the interactive part of the book is a totally awesome concept. How can a book be interactive, you ask? Well, Stephen and his publisher, Harvey Addison, have hidden a dagger worth $25k somewhere in the Las Vegas valley, and there are clues riddled throughout the book as to it's whereabouts. Talk about a genius marting plan. Read a book, find $25,000. You can bet I will be out there diggin holes in the desert trying to find it!

Be well.

An A for effort

2008-02-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

Well it's not everyday you realize what a moron you are. Today was just that for me.

In trying to install a few new shelves to rearrange our book displays, i began my mission at Lowes, trying to find some brackets that would allow me to install the shelves we already have. Of course, they do not sell what we needed. After brainstorming with myself for a few minutes, I decided the next best option was to buy some wood and cut the shelves myself, to the exact size we needed them.

I meandered over to the lumber section where I quickly spotted the right type of wood. They had two choices, first were four sheets of 4ft x 2ft boards, in which I would have sufficient wood for 4 shelves. Option two were two sheets of 4ft x 4ft, in which I could make 6 shelves. You do the math.

After dragging these heavy 4ft x 4ft boards through the store and the checkout line, I got them to my brand new chevy equinox, and quickly realized they would be a tight fit. Rather than walk the 50 feet to have the boards either cut, or tied on to my roof, I used my knowledge of angles to wedge the boards into the back of my SUV, realizing after the fact that the were scraping along the plastic in my new car.

For the life of me, I will never understand why you are able to get items into a tight fit, and then you can never get them out. Like if you put your head between cage bars at a zoo, and then can't get it out. Seems to defy the laws of physics.

Once back at the store, the boards would not come out of my car. I pried and angled and did everything possible, but there was no way they were coming out. So to cut to the chase, when our owner, Pam, walked up, she inquired as to why I had a handsaw out, sawing boards in half in the back of my new car. I had to explain that in my stupidity, I was not trying to cut the shelving in the back of my car, rather, I was simply trying to get the freakin boards out.

I have never heard her laugh so much in my life.

Well maybe tomorrow I will do something smart to make up for my lapse of intelligence. On a positive note, I was able to salvage and cut 4 shelves from the existing wood!

Be well.

Two Minutes for Slashing

2008-02-19T14:10:00.000-08:00

So Pamela, the owner of Cheesecake and Crime, has been encouraging me to start writing a new book. I actually have started about ten different books , but just have not had time to cultivate the stories. This newest venture, however, may have some real possibilities.

It will be the beginning of a mystery series revolving around an ex-hockey player. The first working title is "Two Minutes for Slashing." We will see where the story takes me.

March will be an exciting month for us here at the store. We have five author signings set up, a booth at the annual "Wine Walk" at the Venetian, and Faberge easter egg decorating classes all going on. Should keep us busy. Check our website for more information regarding those events.

Speaking of websites, Mob historian and author Denny Griffin, sent me this link today: http://www.selfpublishersplace.com/
This is a website dedicating to promoting and selling self published books. If you are a self published author, or are sick of all the agent and publisher rejection letters, check this site out.

Thats all for now. Be Well.

Finally....

2008-02-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Joe has a blog! I guess an author without a blog is kind of like a pianist without feet. Sure you can still play, but the tones don't resonate without the sustain pedals! Okay, that analogy may be a little off the mark, but you get my point.

Welcome to my blog, a spot that I will vent and fume, rant and rave, and generally let my feelings be known to all. The two rules that I live by, and I will try to stick to, are no politics, and no religion.

Instead I will spend more time discussing our store, Cheesecake and Crime, disputing posts by Pamela Mains, our store owner, and generally spinning my own top on anything that strikes my fancy.

Enjoy!