The List - Part 2

Well it is time to finish off our top 5 sports announcers that need to be euthanized. Actual my dad had a great idea - bring in a hungarian assassin to take care of them. Well that may be a little extreme, but extremely bad announcers require extreme measures.

Before I begin, lets recap #'s 10-6, and offer up some honorable mentions.

10 - Jim Grey
9 - Kelly Tilghman
8 - John Madden
7 - Lou Holtz
6 - Bob Davie

Honorable mentions - These are announcers who didn't quite make my top 10, but are very close.
1 - Marv Albert. That deep voice AND dresses up in women's clothes?
2 - Jim Lampley. Great in boxing but awful in everything else.
3 - Matt Millen. Does running the Lions qualify you as an expert?
4 - Tony Kornheiser. Off the top 10 since leaving MNF.
5 - Bryant Gumball. High pitched whiner puts me to sleep.

And now...the moment you have all been waiting for.

THE TOP 5

5. Pierre Mcguire

How this twit is considered on the A team for hockey is beyond me. He often stands in the glass partition between the benches and I am always rooting for a slapshot to find his shiny bald noggin. He thinks he knows hockey, but all he is really good for is telling you what the attitudes are like on the benches.





4. Bill Walton

I try to give him a little credit, but when that deep, nasally, monotone voice shouts "That's just super scintillating sensational," I can't help but cringe. Sure he tries to be exciting, and he was a great player, and yes he knows basketball, but I just cant stand listening to him.






3. Chris Berman
When Boomer first started doing sportcenter, he had some novelty. The nicknames and the "WHUUUP", and the "HE...COULD...GO...ALL...THE...WAY". But now as a play by play guy for football, baseball - and not to mention as a football round table host, he is just horrid. He stumbles and mumbles, he stammers and yammers. It's painful. You can always tell when he isn't sure what to say or is trying to fill time, because he just mumbles for a few seconds until he decides what is going to come out of his mouth. Basically I cant watch the football wrap up shows or the pregame because he drive me insane.

2. Bob Costas

The final two were a toss up, and Costas may be #1 on many lists, but for mine he holds at #2. This clown is the pure definition of a "tool". He is a freakin know-it-all. Did anyone watch the opening ceremonies at either of the last two olympic games? He had to tell you EVERYTHING that was going on, and what it meant. It's like he was reading it straight out of history book. He is NBC's top guy, but to me he looks like Pat Sajak. He needs to be a gameshow host or something, not a sportscaster. I can see it now. "So you pick suitcase #5. And if you didn't know, that suitcase is true ivory from the african nation of Zaire, a country of local tribes and vast savannahs..."

DRUM ROLL PLEASE........

#1. Larry Merchant

As senile as they come. no clip I show you can do Larry justice. Watch how he babbles and rambles for 2 whole minutes what should take about 25 seconds. And this is actually one of his more rational soliloques. Larry would be great if he wasn't being serious. Unfortunately, he is. And I actually enjoy watching his boxing "wrap-ups" for entertainment value. Usually they are inane and make absolutely no sense to anyone but Larry himself. I honestly think Larry was already euthanized long ago, it's just that no one told him.

So that is the top 10. Feel free to bash away and tell me who should or shouldn't be on there.

Be well.

"THE LIST" Part 1

I was watching the FSU-Miami game the other night, and watching ESPN Commentator Brad Nesslor INSIST that an FSU missed PAT was the difference in a 4pt game got me thinking again about my so-called "LIST", and I decided it was time to open that list up to a debate. Nesslor didn't make my list, although he may have moved a couple of notches closer by failing to realize that FSU had a successful 2pt conversion later in the game that made the missed PAT obsolete.

"The List" is my compilation of sports announcers that need to be euthanized.

Put together with the help of my father, we basically debate on what sportscasters have either gone senile, or just say the most idiotic things on a consistent basis. It is a revolving list, and it honestly could have about 200 personalities on it. Here, in this two part blog, i am just going to review my top 10. I'd be interested to hear your take on my selections.

I must preface this by saying there are some people that will not be on the list, though many people may want them there. People like Lee Corso and Dick Vitale. I love these two guys. They bring an exuberance and passion to their respective sports, and they DO NOT say stupid things. Broadcatsers like Harry Carey, who had to interupt his stories to tell you what just happened in the Cubs game. But that was part of what made him Harry Carey, and why he was revered.

No, this is my list and I expect disagreements, welcome them in fact. So feel free to bash and hate all you want.

10. Jim Grey
How does one fully express the dreadful nature of a Jim Grey interview. I guess the best way is to show you one.

Jim asks people the most idiotic and obvious questions, and constantly gets beat up by his subjects. They tease and torment him, they take control of the interview, and Jim almost always comes away looking like a momo. For this reason, I place him at number 10 on my list.

9. Kelly Tighlman
I see a pretty blonde woman on the golf channel. I see her sparkling green eyes and her quizzical smile. And then she speaks. HOLY SMOKES. Sounds like a steroid laden teenage boy. But its not just her voice. A few weeks ago, during Tiger's first round of the PGA, he was -2 thru 6 holes, and in second place. Kelly then laid out the scenario. "So Tiger wins this, then the master and British where he is overdue. He will be a clear favorite at the US Open, so he comes into next years PGA with a chance to break Jack's major record." GIMME A BREAK. The guy is in his fist round and you already have him winning the next 5 majors? We all know the scenario, there is no need to voice it. At least Nick Faldo shut her up by saying "Well lets let him get through the first round of this major."

8. John Madden
Okay - this may be an unpopular pick, but the man lost his mind years ago. He is Mr. Obvious (Credit to Scott Cummins for that one). I actually listened to him doing an Eagles game a few years ago. There were only about 20 seconds left and the eagles were down by 8, out of time outs. They had the ball at the opponents 4 yard line. John actually told his audience what the Eagles COULD do if they scored. "Well should they score a TD, the COULD go for 2, which would tie the game. On the other hand, they could kick the PAT, but then they would have to try an onside kick." That comment right there catapulted John onto my list.

7. Lou Holtz
The man was a phenominal coach. But I have never heard an announcer more Biased than Dr. Lou. The man has picked Notre Dame to win the national championship every year for the last 6 years now. It's getting rediculous. One year, he predicted 10 wins, and I think they had 2. I will say this though, Holtz is more foible for Mark May than anything on the college gameday. The old man should just do Notre Dame games for NBC so that we are not subjected to his completely biased slant.

6. Bob Davie
Another college football analyst and former Notre Dame coach, he is not biased like Dr. Lou, but I just can't stand listening to him talk. The emphasis he puts on certain syllables sounds like they are being shot out of a cannon. There is no doubt when listening to him that he is the stereotype of a football COACH, and thats where he should be, even if its coaching a pop warner team. Just so I don't have to hear his analysis.

So thats nos. 10-6 of my Sportscaster Euthanization list. Next week I will list my top 5, and maybe throw in some honorable mentions. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Be well!

A fall back job for Michael Vick...

Okay, Okay - I know this is in very poor taste, but then again, so is the decision not only to let Michael Vick play football again, but to let him out of prison.

The other night my friend Nisha and I were discussing the disgusting acts that landed Vick in jail, and neither of us can believe that he was reinstated by the NFL. Admittedly, we are both animal lovers, but in my mind his crimes are nothing short of cold blooded murder. I mean, the come on! Pete Rose is banned for life from MLB and the Hall of Fame for gambling, and Michael Vick tortures and murders living creatures, and he is welcomed back with open arms, and given a multi-million dollar contract to boot. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!

Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy (pictured below) are two of the most notorious serial killers in American History. Dahmer murdered and tortured 17 people, and was given 15 consecutive life sentences for his crimes. He himself was murdered in prison in 1994. Gacy was convicted of killing 33 people, and was put to death for his crimes. Michael Vick tortured and murdered somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 living, breathing creatures. Just because they were not human should not matter. I consider him a serial killer that should be mentioned in the same breath with the two infamous killers.


I will refrain from adding any pictures of some of the surviving Vick dogs, but what they endured is vile and unspeakable.

In my humble opinion, the NFL ought to be ashamed of itself for allowing this man back in to the league. In fact, our legal system ought to be ashamed of itself for letting him out of prison. What kind of world do we live in? I don't blame the Philadelphia Eagles for signing him, although if I was an NFL owner, I don't care how talented he is, he wouldn't play for me.

Obviously this all just my opinion. I've heard a lot of people say "He's done his time" and what not. According to our legal system, yes he has. But I believe that two years in Prison is fine for someone who steals a car or holds up a convenient store, but for murder? Just because the victims were not human does not make it less than that.

Be well.

Saving our planet....HOGWASH!

So I just finished reading a new book by James Rollins, my favorite author, called "The Doomsday Key." For those of you who have not read Rollins, he is a fantastic author with an incredibly inventive mind, and a helluva nice guy.

A little background here. I found James' on a whim about 7 years ago in a grocery store aisle, simply because I was intrigued by the cover of a book. He was relatively unknown then, but I was so blown away by that book, I went and bought everything he had written. I wound up emailing him a few days later just to tell him how much I enjoyed his novels. He responded within a half hour, and we began a limited correspondence. I wound up having lunch with him at a writers conference, and he has helped me immensely in my writing, which I am sad to say, I just haven't had much time to pursue lately. But I will get back on that horse soon enough, I hope.

Anyways, since that time, he has written about 7 more novels, and is now a fixture on the NY Times Bestseller list for fiction. "The Doomsday Key" is currently at number 7. His books are quite an intriguing mix of government conspiracy, Shadowy forces, technology, archeology, ancient mysteries, and even cryptozoology. But his latest book really got me thinking again about some of my radical beliefs on the earth, and the so called "green movement," which I think is a load of crap.

"The Doomsday Key" focuses a lot on the over-population of the Earth, a problem that really takes a back seat to the issues of global warming and green house gas emissions, but it is one that I believe will be much more devastating to our environment.

We think of the world as having unlimited space and unlimited resources, even though we know it doesn't. Our population is close to the 7 billion mark. 25 years ago, it was under 5 billion. The growth rate is alarming. The world is a finite place. Space is limited. Most experts agree that once we reach 10 billion, we will exceed the Earth's habitability, which will cause wars, famine and death on an unimaginable scale. There are radical theories on what we can do, ranging from birth licenses to tax relief to people for NOT having kids, but its a subject that is really swept under the table, simply because the bible tells people to "multiply". And with technology still improving like crazy, we may even see the population growth increase. Medical technology is allowing people to live longer, while birth rates remain constant. I do believe by the end of the next decade, we are going to have real problems with the resources available to us.

But that is not the real reason for this blog. The main focus is on the so called "Green Movement." Hippies running around on Earth day, yelling "Save Our Planet!" Al Gore winning Nobel Prizes for his rants on Global Warming.

This pisses me off, because it's BS. Let's say what we really mean people. This planet will be here long after we are. We are not destroying the planet, we are destroying ourselves. And if you REALLY want to save the planet, that's the best thing for it. Humans are a virus to the Earth, and just like our own T-cells, the Earth will fight the virus and will eventually win. It's inevitable. Global warming, natural disasters...they are Earth's way of trying to shake the viral infection of humanity.

So the slogan "Save Our Planet" is not what we actually mean. "Save Humanity" is the truth behind the slogan, but it sounds shallow and self-centered to shout that. And of course, it makes us feel good to do things that we believe are helping our natural environment. Recycling, driving hybrids, buying carbon credits (the most ridiculous thing of all, IMO), all of these actions make us feel like we are doing good things for our ecosystem and the planet.

But don't be fooled. The way to save Earth is simple. We need to disappear.

Be well!

Lessons learned the hard way

Cluster headaches are so friggin hard to deal with. When I am not getting them, I don't even think about them. But when the cycle hits, all I do is try to figure out new ways to get rid of them. So what haven't I tried?

Short of sticking a steak knife behind my left eye, there isn't much; Medicines, exercise, cutting out foods...you name it, I have tried it.

But it dawned on me during this latest attack that there is something I have not tried - A BODY FLUSH.

Aren't herbalists and holistics always saying that the buildup of toxins in your body can cause all sorts of maladies? So I figured "What the hell? Can't hurt, right?"

WRONG

I went and purchased myself some Super Colon Cleanse. It's the "gentle" cleanser. Before purchasing, I read the directions, read all the warnings, and it looked pretty good. I came home, took my first dose that night, and a second in the morning.

It was shortly thereafter I discovered the hard way that there are some serious warnings missing from the label, and for the benefit of all consumers, I will point them out now.

#1: DO NOT use product if you are in the middle of a cluster headache cycle.

#2. DO NOT drink an entire pot of coffee after a dose.

Since these were missing from the warning label, I felt all systems were go for some "gentle" cleansing, and found myself in a mixed state of discomfort and agony, the likes of which I haven't known since the last Nicholas Cage movie.

There I was at about noon, diligently working on my computer, sipping my second cup of coffee, when the stomach pains first struck. "Oh Boy" I said, knowing that the cleanse was hard at work. It's painful, but it usually doesn't last too long. Of course, I left my work for a while and camped out in the "other" office.

(Jeopardy theme plays over this part)

I left the bathroom, but my stomach was still doing flips. I needed a rest so I decided to lie down on the couch for a few minutes. Well, due to the fact that the cluster headaches had kept me up all night, I suddenly started having trouble keeping my eyes open, and I dozed off for about 15 minutes. Of course, you know what happens next, I wake up on the verge of another raging headache.

Now, if you read my last blog, you will know that the only way I have been successful at knocking these headaches out before they get to the screaming stage is with rigorous exercise. Not always, but enough to make it worthwhile to try. However, trying to do rigorous exercise with my stomach in the condition it was in was going to create an entirely different kind of problem. I guess you could say I was caught between a rock and...well, you know. I realized quickly there was no way I could get on my ellipticle and try to pedal to pain-free paradise, for I probably would have made a detour at soiled-pants point. Needless to say, the headache hit me full force within a couple of minutes.

So there I am, hunched over in agony, face contorted, left eye shut and tearing, quickly pacing around my house trying to escape the head pain, while on the other hand, trying desperately not to let my stomach woes catch up to me. Incapable of making a decision in the state I was in, I quickly knew the head pain would take precedent over any other dilemma, and thus, I was completely vulnerable to an attack from the rear.

Well you may have already guessed that I made it through this nightmare unscathed, otherwise I probably wouldn't be telling anyone about it. But I did learn a very valuable lesson, and isn't it our goal to try to learn something new every day?

Go ahead and laugh. I did. (Of course, not till it was all over, but I did.)

Be well.

What a cluster f**k

It's been 16 years now of pure madness. 16 years of pure pain.

Well not 16 years straight, but on and off for the last 16 years I have had to deal with cluster headaches. (click for a great website dealing with clusters.) For those who may have experienced them, you know my agony. This is more for those who don't.

I have just gotten over the latest attack (not cycle, just single attack). I am sure that more will follow tonight when I try to go to sleep.

Clusters are not migraines. Most migraine medicine does not work for cluster sufferers (I have tried almost everything). I have never had a migraine, so I cannot compare the pain, but if they cause even a quarter of the pain that these do, then I sympathize whole-heartedly.

Imagine, if you will, a grown man, fearless, tough, etc., cursing at the top of his lungs, not able to lie down, but not able to stand up. Left eye shut, tearing. There is no escape from the pain. It's unbearable. I pray for one of two things. Either make this headache go away, or give me an instant and massive aneurysm. Just end the pain somehow. All this hits within five minutes, and lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours. I rock back and forth, I pace, I try to lay down, I get up, I swear, I pace again. Finally I feel the pressure ease and within minutes, it is gone. The madness is over, right? WRONG! If I fall back asleep, it will most likely return within a couple of hours. Up to 4 times a night. It's unbelievable. People years ago referred to them as "suicide headaches", I am sure you can guess why.

The closest I can come to describing the pain is like the apex of brainfreeze (you know, after drinking an ice cold drink to fast), and having that brainfreeze stay at that level for two hours. My body starts to quake, sometimes my head feels like its trapped in a gear mechanism, grinding back and forth.

When the headache goes away, the muscles in my head, neck, and face are still sore, as if they have been contorted and stretched like crazy.

When I am not in a cycle, the headaches are out of sight, out of mind. I don't even think about them. When I am in cycle, well I function normally, but my mind is always on when the next demon will strike.

I am not writing this so that anyone feels sorry for me. I needed to blog about something and this was on my mind (literally and figuratively). The main reason I wanted to write this is because whenever I tell someone who doesn't understand these headaches about them, I get all of the usual suggestions over and over. "Take some Aleve," "Go lie in a dark room," and so on. It's not that I don't appreciate the suggestions, but I've tried everything, and nothing works. The only way to get through these is to just tough it out. So for those who I tell, just try to understand that I am not asking for help. I simply need to share the pain. Need someone to know that I am in agony. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say that will help. I just thank you in advance for understanding, and trying to help.

Be well...and pray you never get these.

Over-medicated America

I am sitting here watching all the news on Michael Jackson's life and death, saddened by the news as is much of the rest of the country, but like millions of other deaths in this country, it was preventable.

Admittedly I am not a huge Michael Jackson fan, at least not since 1984, but where would music be without him. Like "Frampton Comes Alive" in the 1970's, EVERYBODY owned the Thriller album. I remember being in 7th grade, and if you had missed the world premier of the "Beat It," or "Thriller" videos, you were an outcast the next day in the school halls. It is all anyone could talk about. Michael Jackson revolutionized music, dancing, and MTV (who at the time actually played music ALL THE TIME.) Would there be a Britney Spears without him? I think not.

I am sure that when we get back cause of death reports, we will learn that cocktails of prescription meds are to blame for Jackson's death, and many people are already reporting to that effect. And that brings me to my entire rant here - my utter disgust with the healthcare industry as a whole, and in particular, the pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies.

Do you remember the days when every class had an obnoxious kid? That's just the way it was. Now we find out the kid had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder.) And of course for years we couldn't sleep because we were restless. Now we find out we just have RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome.) They are creating new diseases every day, and it's rediculous. PMDD, PAD...folks, it's all S.H.I.T!

THESE ARE NOT DISEASES PEOPLE...but there is a reason they are classified as diseases, and I will get to that shortly.

Cancer is a disease. AIDS is a disease. There are millions of people living with real diseases, but the over-classification of diseases has muddled the disease pool. Now EVERYONE has a disease. I have ISS, (I Suck Syndrome, better known as deppression.)

I actually find it funny that every time I watch TV, I am inundated with ads for prescription medications treating everything under the sun; Restasis to make more tears, Avodart to shrink the prostate, meds to urinate more, meds to urinate less, and lets not even get into ED; and they are followed by law office ads about deaths and injuries resulting from the use of THESE SAME MEDICATIONS. I found a list of all the harmful medications on a law office website, and it is staggering. Some of these medications CONTINUE to advertise. I saw an ad for Celebrex, which has caused a number of deaths, in which they actually say in the ad that the benefits may outweigh the risks. Are you kidding me?

The real irony, is that people die from the treatment of diseases THAT ARE NOT FATAL to begin with. And the pharmaceutical companies are making billions and billions of dollars from these people.

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like over the past 10 years we are seeing more and more cases of cancer, diabetes and other deadly diseases, as well as sudden cardiac arrests, strokes, and brain aneurysms in remarkably young people. It seems every week, I hear of a 39 year old dropping dead from one of these. Makes my self-diagnosed heart attack at the age of 4 seem not only plausible, but probable. I guess my dad would have to take me seriously now. And here I thought the medical community was receiving billions of dollars for research and making significant progress in fighting these ailments. I have no doubt that the influx of all of these new quasi-diseases and the overabundance of prescription medications are to blame.

Here is the real kicker, what I alluded to before, and why these companies rake in the money that they do. The FDA was able to get a law passed many years ago, that states "ONLY PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION APPROVED BY THE FDA CAN TREAT AND CURE A DISEASE." That is the reason if you look at the label for an herbal remedy it MUST say "this product has not been evaluated by the FDA, and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."What that basically means, is that for every condition that is legally given the label "disease", ONLY an FDA approved medicine created by a pharmaceutical company can claim to prevent or cure that disease. The more diseases there are, the more medications are prescribed (unnecessarily in my opinion), and the more money the healthcare industry rakes in.

And as far as I am concerned, these prescriptions are killing people, all in the name of the almighty profit.

People like Bernie Madoff and Alan Stanford are dispicable, but they are not killing people. The healthcare industry is killing people to make more money than you or I can imagine, and they are doing it legally and with the government's blessing. Utterly disgusting.

"Land of the free and home of the brave"? More like "Land of the drug-addicted and home of the dead."

Be well.