It's been 16 years now of pure madness. 16 years of pure pain.
Well not 16 years straight, but on and off for the last 16 years I have had to deal with cluster headaches. (click for a great website dealing with clusters.) For those who may have experienced them, you know my agony. This is more for those who don't.
I have just gotten over the latest attack (not cycle, just single attack). I am sure that more will follow tonight when I try to go to sleep.
Clusters are not migraines. Most migraine medicine does not work for cluster sufferers (I have tried almost everything). I have never had a migraine, so I cannot compare the pain, but if they cause even a quarter of the pain that these do, then I sympathize whole-heartedly.
Imagine, if you will, a grown man, fearless, tough, etc., cursing at the top of his lungs, not able to lie down, but not able to stand up. Left eye shut, tearing. There is no escape from the pain. It's unbearable. I pray for one of two things. Either make this headache go away, or give me an instant and massive aneurysm. Just end the pain somehow. All this hits within five minutes, and lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours. I rock back and forth, I pace, I try to lay down, I get up, I swear, I pace again. Finally I feel the pressure ease and within minutes, it is gone. The madness is over, right? WRONG! If I fall back asleep, it will most likely return within a couple of hours. Up to 4 times a night. It's unbelievable. People years ago referred to them as "suicide headaches", I am sure you can guess why.
The closest I can come to describing the pain is like the apex of brainfreeze (you know, after drinking an ice cold drink to fast), and having that brainfreeze stay at that level for two hours. My body starts to quake, sometimes my head feels like its trapped in a gear mechanism, grinding back and forth.
When the headache goes away, the muscles in my head, neck, and face are still sore, as if they have been contorted and stretched like crazy.
When I am not in a cycle, the headaches are out of sight, out of mind. I don't even think about them. When I am in cycle, well I function normally, but my mind is always on when the next demon will strike.
I am not writing this so that anyone feels sorry for me. I needed to blog about something and this was on my mind (literally and figuratively). The main reason I wanted to write this is because whenever I tell someone who doesn't understand these headaches about them, I get all of the usual suggestions over and over. "Take some Aleve," "Go lie in a dark room," and so on. It's not that I don't appreciate the suggestions, but I've tried everything, and nothing works. The only way to get through these is to just tough it out. So for those who I tell, just try to understand that I am not asking for help. I simply need to share the pain. Need someone to know that I am in agony. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say that will help. I just thank you in advance for understanding, and trying to help.
Be well...and pray you never get these.
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